Princess Eva Rose

If I had read more of this book I swear my eyes would have fallen off from the sheer boredom of it. The concept is great but the writing, the writing is fucking awful, the pace is painful beyond belief and John Carter is the biggest Gary Stu in the history of Sci-fi.

I know. I know! You are looking at me and saying "But this is Classic pulp fiction sci-fi from 1950's" but its still terrible. Sorry, but it is.

John Carter, the narrator, talks in all this self aggrandizing ways and tells us how he is some decorated veteran from the American Civil War. He gets to Mars because he goes into a cave after running away in the wild west from some murdering Indians. This book is sooo racist by the way. Some great lights shines on the cave that scares off the Indians and he falls asleep, he subsequently wakes up, naked, in Mars and for some strange reasons knows this right away. We meet the natives and he sort of fights them off until they trick him into coming into their camp. 

It gets soooo boring then, he starts talking about the customs in a way that is basically info dumping. We get showered in all this useless information and then of course he meets the Princess Dejah Toris, who is naked and is always called beautiful and has no other personality traits to speak of, falls in love gets rejected goes to a fight, the camps of 'savage martians" moved around and....

OH. MY. GOD! 

I had to quit at that moment because anymore reading of that convoluted, painful and self aggrandizing writing and I would want to spork my eyes out.

Goodbye, painful book that makes no sense!